Gastroparesis Mystery

Don't let Gastroparesis make you feel crazy…

Is GP an eating disorder?

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I have heard, along with others, Gastroparesis being called an eating disorder by health care professionals.  My first instinct is to freak out on them and say “in no way do I have an eating disorder!”  The social stigmas that follow around eating disorders include throwing up to lose weight, starving yourself to lose weight, binge eating to make yourself feel better, the list goes on.

One of the first things I explain to someone when describing GP is the need to vomit most foods and my very next statement includes an explanation that I do not make myself throw up but rather it comes up by itself.  I have found myself many times before in public restrooms vomiting after eating something using an excuse like “I’m pregnant” if someone happens to walk in and ask me if I’m ok.  I have a constant need to explain myself so that I never leave the impression that I am in any way making myself sick.

So, why do I feel the need to always justify the vomiting?  Do I really care what complete strangers think?  The answer is yes.  I battle with myself plenty of times during the day while I’m staring at food I prepare for others and have to mentally talk myself out of just one bite.  I drive myself crazy when I know I’m going to get sick but I still eat what I’m not supposed to.  Many times have I second guessed myself thinking maybe I really do have an eating disorder because I constantly eat things I shouldn’t.

To make myself feel a little less crazy I decided to look up the definition of an eating disorder:

The Mayo Clinic defines an eating disorder on their website as “a group of serious conditions in which you’re so preoccupied with food and weight that you can often focus on little else.”

Wikipedia defines an eating disorder on their website as “conditions defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual’s physical and mental health.”

Those definitions are very vague if you ask me.  Of course, they then go on to name the most common types of eating disorders which then have their own definitions.  But based on the two definitions above, yes, Gastroparesis is an eating disorder.  Let me explain before you start to argue.

I think about food more times a day than anything else.  I think about what I’m going to eat for breakfast, what I’m going to make for the kids school lunches, what am I going to make for dinner, and what food I need from the store.  I have to think for a long time what I am going to eat and if it’ll make me sick or if it has too many calories.  I have to think about what I just ate because it made me sick or it didn’t make me sick and I may want to try it again tomorrow.  Every single day it’s the same!

I think about my weight constantly too.  I’m overweight but I’m sure those that are underweight go through the same thing.  I look in the mirror and notice how bloated I am or I notice how bloated I am not.  I notice that my thighs are sagging a little more or I can actually see my ribs now.  I want to look good even if I don’t feel good.

My mental health is also very messed up.  I get mad at myself for eating too much or eating the wrong thing because I am punished physically for sometimes days after that meal.  I get frustrated when I don’t eat enough calories.  I get emotionally drained trying to prepare meals for myself.  I get mad at others when they get to eat something I’ve been craving for weeks.  I get weepy when I’m overly hungry because I haven’t eaten in hours.  I enjoy overeating because I rarely get to feel full.  I won’t stop at one bite even knowing I’ll get sick by eating the whole thing because it makes me happy tasting something so delicious.

Needless to say, it would appear that I have an eating disorder.  But here is the one thing that sets me and others with GP apart from those that have real eating disorders:  We have do NOT have the option to get better.  We do not have the option to fix what is wrong.  We do not have the option to control when our body shuts down.  Everything we are experiencing is because of Gastroparesis and Gastroparesis is not something we chose for ourselves.

I do not have an eating disorder, I have Gastroparesis.  I may let myself enjoy food knowing the consequences but I am not crazy.

Can I get a diagnosis please?

The first almost two years after my first flare-up, I had multiple colonoscopies and endoscopes, all of which came back negative.  They did see gastritis and diagnosed me with GERD.  The GI I was seeing at the time could not, or should I say would not, help with the chronic constipation except suggesting Senna laxatives.  He was convinced that I was bulimic and I needed to see a psychologist right away based only on the fact that they could not explain the vomiting.  To be fair, the vomiting was happening only when I ate fatty or greasy foods, so my diet was workable and not life threatening.  I weighed around 205 lbs and had not lost any weight because of vomiting.  The GI also suggested I go on a diet and that along with counseling should stop any issues.

In my heart, I knew I was not making myself vomit and there had to be some underlying issues.  In my head, I started to second guess myself.  I decided to start Jenny Craig.  After a couple weeks, I was feeling better but I could not tolerate some of the meals.  I chalked that up to GERD because most of the meals contain tomatoes.   After just over a year being on Jenny Craig I got down to 155 lbs.  I had seen a counselor during that time for six months and was attempting to get my stress under control by doing yoga and just trying to relax (the GI had put me on Celexa during my first year of flare-ups).  We came to the conclusion that I was not bulimic but getting my stress under control could only help the situation.  I maintained my weight for 10 months and was able to eat plain foods (including turkey sandwiches) but I still ate some of the Jenny Craig meals.  I still vomited but not every day.  I thought I had found a manageable eating plan and was making progress.  Then in Jan 2010 I began experiencing horrible pain in my upper abdominal area.

I decided to get a second opinion from another GI because the pain was not manageable.  I had an ERCP done and ended up with pancreatitis.  The GI ordered a Gastric Emptying Study and when the test came back with slow motility, he decided he could no longer see me.  Since that hospitalization, my symptoms have slowly progressed.

My PCP put me on a pain management schedule the summer of 2010 because the pain would not go away with over the counter medications.  The probiotics I was put on after the pancreatitis were not helping and my insurance did not cover them so I decided to stop taking them.  At this point my diet was consisting of crackers and dry cereal.  After a couple months on Demerol, I was able to start eating more of a variety but nothing very nutritious.  I slowly began gaining weight and hit 174 lbs at my highest.  The pain meds helped with pain but my vomiting stayed consistent.

I had to find another GI in the summer of 2011.  He ordered a colonoscopy, which came back negative.  The letter he wrote to my PCP stated that my slow motility was the result of the pain meds, not taking into account I started the pain meds after having symptoms for 4 years.  My PCP decided to no longer continue prescribing them and I was told to take over the counter pain meds again.  The GI was convinced I did not have Gastroparesis and everything was a result of the pain meds and poor diet.  He had me stop taking Celexa because the anti-stress med would also cause digestive issues.  He put me on Miralax twice a day and ordered me to get my diet under control and the vomiting should stop soon after.

I stuck with that plan for six months before I made an appointment with yet another GI at the University of Arizona Medical Center, who I am still seeing today.  My new GI looked at my tests and came to the conclusion that I did indeed have Gastroparesis but he wanted to order more tests to see if we could figure out what was causing the GP since I do not have any other issues that would cause it.  A month later I ended up in the ER.  I was there for a week with not one test performed.  I saw intern daily and none of them could figure out why I was in so much pain and what was causing the vomiting.  I decided to discharge myself.  A couple weeks later, I had an Esophageal Manometry study, a pH study and a Sitz Marker test.

As of right now, the GERD is not bad enough to cause the vomiting.  My esophagus is not contracting 90% of my swallows.  I do indeed have chronic constipation.  My motility is slow.  My weight is now at 140 lbs.  I still do not have a reason as to why any of this is occurring.  I’ve seen many specialists and all have told me I just need to manage it and I’ll probably never know why any of this occurred in the first place.  I cannot get the pain under control and since pain meds hurt the digestive system, I do not know if I’ll ever get help for the pain.  The vomiting happens at least once a day and my diet changes daily.

Overeating

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I still battle with my weight, even with GP.  It’s a daily battle and it’s an addiction.  A lot of GPers have a “full feeling” all the time and that’s actually one of the signs/symptoms listed under GP.  I do not have that feeling 24/7.  Sure, some foods make me nauseous and I’ll feel it until the next day.  I stay away from so many foods now that I know will trigger the nausea, so I’ll eat a lot of the foods I know I can handle.  The problem is, however, because my stomach can only handle so much, if I overeat even the foods that won’t normally trigger vomiting, what my stomach can’t handle will sit in my esophagus and I vomit it up.  And to top it all off, the foods that I can usually handle are in no way good for my body and certainly don’t give me enough nutrition.

The most helpful thing I do is eat a handful of snacks (preferably healthy) a lot throughout the day.  Some people call it “grazing”.  I always find myself stuffing my face during main meals if I didn’t keep something in my tummy in between meals because I felt like I was starving.  The starving feeling makes you binge eat because you want that full feeling.  Well, it takes time for your body to register that you are full but in the mean time you just stuffed your face for 10 mins when in reality you really only needed what you consumed that first min.

Finding healthy snacks when you have GP is a constant struggle.  I am not supposed to have a lot of carbs and while they help with the full feeling initially, it doesn’t last very long.  But, carbs are what I can eat and keep down for the most.  I try to find the 100 calorie snacks that are pre-packaged that way I don’t keep dipping my hand into the box.  I have to be careful with consistency of the foods because of my esophagus issue.  For example, pretzels, you can eat a good amount at only 100 cals but they’re so dry, they tend to stick to the walls of my esophagus and then once they hit my tummy, they blow up like a sponge (that happens even without GP).

I like prepackaged meals and snacks.  I try to keep at least one package in my purse so if I find myself hungry while I’m out of the house, going through a drive through is more work than reaching in my purse.  That’s why Jenny Craig worked really for me.  I feel like I’m in control when it’s already packaged up for me.  If I have to measure out something like chips, guarantee I’ll throw in a couple extra and that just defeats the purpose.  I really think the “control” part of eating is why when we get stressed out we overeat.  Stress makes you feel out of control and what better way to show yourself that you’re in control of yourself by eating whatever you want and how much you want?   Don’t head into the kitchen when you get stressed, go to the mirror and look at yourself from all angles.  Then look at yourself in the eyes and think things through.  Have a full blown conversation!  Ask yourself if you really need to go eat ice cream or if it’s better to deal with what is really going on so you can get rid of that stress.  I have conversations with myself all the time and find I actually offer really good advice.

Another really good trick (I know this seems really gross) is to take a glass of water and drop in a bite of pizza or chips and watch how it separates.  You’ll see the grease float to the top and all the other nastiness.  Picture that in your stomach.  I’m lucky because if I eat greasy foods, I vomit it up and the grease leaves a ring around the toilet water.  That keeps me good for at least a couple days!

 

New Information Site

Here is a link to a Gastroparesis website.  There is a ton of information!!

http://www.aboutgastroparesis.org/

 

Exercise

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Yep, we’ve all heard that we need to exercise.  It’s so good for us!  And, really, I believe that.  I use to go to yoga classes and loved the burn it left me feeling for hours.  Not so much anymore.  The one thing all trainers emphasize is that when you’re doing workouts, you need to stay hydrated and you need to eat protein.  Raise your hand if you can’t do either one!

I sip water with ginger ale all day but if I were to chug water it would induce vomiting.  My stomach can’t handle very much in it at one time so when I get to the point I need to chug water, it’s not happening.  In fact, when my pain gets so bad and I need to make myself vomit, I don’t go with the finger down the throat option, I just chug water.  I avoid all situations that could potentially make me dehydrated because my body can’t handle it.

Protein is the same situation.  I try eating half a sandwich with two slices of no fat turkey and it comes right back up.  I’ve tried shakes with protein and it’s the same story every time – it won’t stay down.  The only other option I have now is to hook myself up to an IV with protein but since I’m not extremely over-weight, that is not going to happen.

To add insult to injury, right now I’m going through a phase where every muscle in my body hurts, especially when I lay down.  I know that sounds weird, but just sitting up, my corse muscles start to burn.  My legs hurt constantly.  I’m taking iron pills which has helped a little with my leg pain.  My core muscles, however,  give me indication as to why they hurt.  I just had an MRI of my lower abdomen because every time I stand up or lay down my bladder feels like it’s being stabbed.

So, yes I have plenty of excuses why I’m not exercising but I would like to see a healthy person try to exercise while they have the stomach flu.

Take Action

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Let me just state again…I have an MBA and I got my undergrad degree in Sociology, so I am not a Dr. or Psychologist.  Please read my blogs knowing this is my opinion and my opinion only.

I have noticed a lot of people with chronic illnesses, especially those without a diagnosis, fall into depression.  I’ll admit, it’s really hard not to want to stay in bed all day.  I have children, so that’s not an option for me at all but I could easily come home after taking them to school and go back to bed.  Sure, there are days that happens because the pain becomes too much but I don’t let this illness control me.  It sucks.  I’m mad and I’m frustrated but I still want to enjoy my life and even though I feel sick ALL the time, I still want to go on vacations and hang out with my family.  Shutting myself off only makes everything I am feeling amplify.  I have a few friends and family members I discuss how horrible I feel with, and let’s face it, they can usually tell just by the facial expressions you make.  I don’t like pity and I hate asking for help so most people have NO clue what I’m really going through on the inside.

So, my point is, I don’t want to be sad anymore and I certainly don’t want to be depresses because I love my family too much to fall into that hole.  I’m mad, and when I’m mad I want to take action.  I want to get more involved with educating people on what this illness does to a person.  I want to smack all my health care providers and make them really listen to what I’m saying.  Even just starting this blog (hopefully people will read it) makes me feel like I can reach out to people, even if it’s just to say “hey, you’re not alone”.  I, of course, have financial and time limits but one day at a time!

Please, do not fall into the illness hell alone and take action.  You are your best advocate.

Facebook Group

GastroparesisAndMe

Gastroparesis and Me is group I am working with to help educate everyone on Gastroparesis.  Please visit the group on Facebook to learn more about how you can help pass on information!

https://www.facebook.com/GastroparesisAndMe

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